The Little Sweatshop of Thoughts

over the weekend, i found out that ‘i am at a happier place’ since i have ‘committed myself to a thought process’, thus, making the oft hard decision between career and family, easier.

committing to a thought process. hmm. it sounds rather powerful when you say it that way. especially when in my head, its less positive counterpart seemed to ring true until some time back: resigning to the inevitable. i can say that i have been through all the phases of change: shock, anger, sadness, ambivalence, acceptance and finally, looking for possibilities. and with that in perspective, perhaps my friend is right to say that i have empowered myself by being open-minded and positive about things.

a part of me fears, though. fears that my adaptability and open-mindedness could oppress the individual that is me. am i letting myself down by being malleable and changing to the circumstances? i am by no means a softie but sometimes i doubt myself with my decisions.

(then again, i’m not in anyway, saying that i am unhappy at this moment. i’m very content that things are going along swimmingly. it’s that hazy phase where the realities of life are clouded in the what if’s and the wish you were here’s of our thoughts. a dream-like state which doesn’t really give space for pragmatism.)

but, i know i am not alone. my circumstances might be different but these are questions that every modern woman faces today. it might be especially difficult for those whose cultures are sometimes at odds with the more evolved roles that modern civilisation has for men and women.

the modern indian woman is a good example. standing at the cusp of revolutionary change, she is looking to define herself beyond daughter, wife and mother. i can see this in the eyes of all my indian girl friends. brought up on a rather unhealthy diet of forced conditioning to our traditions and Bollywood movies and soaps, we dream about our princes as we think of how we can escape from the clutches of these traditions. it’s a tough place to be in when we are in conflict with the very things that make up our identity.

so, what’s left?

well, nothing but the vacillating thoughts of a modern woman, who wants everything, doesn’t want to give up anything and still missing that one little something.

went out for lunch with b. tan who has turned out to be a great diva extraordinare. we are in the same class and have found kindred spirits in each other. people who talk loud, are sarcastic and caustic and like to talk in accents to prove the existence of third parties in stories we relate to each other. our other group members tend to disappear after a while since they can’t stand us BOTH at once.

anyway, we went to eat jap food at kuriya in raffles city. very expensive stuff but very nice. and the restaurant itself has many different settings to cater to different clients. like the open setting at the entrance is possibly for the ‘riff raff’ that comes in. and if you want a bit more privacy, they have nicer seating within and then for ultimate exclusivity, they have rooms within where you get your own personal maitre’d (i think). but the menu is extensive and they have vegetarian options too. very delightful. so anyway, i was telling ben about my nightmares of not being able to afford ‘all this high class stuff’ in future because i make a paltry sum of money. also, alluded to the numerous programmes and initiatives (shopping centres, IRs, real estate) that were becoming popular in singapore, in line with wooing the rich.

and ben comes back to me with a ‘darling, focusing on poverty is so passe. no one wants to know how poor you are. its each individual person’s pet peeve, no matter how much they have in the bank. now telling you how others spend their money and how you can have one up against the jones’, that makes good television, conversation and gossip’

(disclaimer: ben was not as eloquent. he actually said: poverty is boring. be atas. i like’)

and then he launched into his theory of how natural disasters hit these places of poverty and help us ‘naturally’ rid the world of these people. social darwinism, he said, and pointed to the tsunami, hurricane katrina and various other earthquakes to prove his point. survivors are the people who are more well off and able to avoid living in those areas, thus leaving the world ‘richer’.

my reaction to this was – eyes widening, jaw dropping and going ‘oh my god, ben!’ at the end of his spiel. like seriously! love your riches but don’t tell me that poor people need to be gotten rid off!! what is that for? to rid yourself of the guilt of not thinking about these unfortunate people while you spend your riches? and what about those who are born into this cycle of poverty without choice? are you going to say that it is better to be rid of them since they were not going to know any better anyway? and in a twisted way, if we did get rid of all these poor people, the next stage of poverty might just be the car owning middle class. now, logically, that target would be ripe for our poverty seeking, non-discriminating natural disaster, wouldn’t it? simply appalling theory.

needed to get that off my chest. the lunch ended well with us making fun of a horrible professor in school. now that is an area which i don’t mind bitching about.

this was an echo from my EDA class last year and the writer makes a poignant point when he reproaches the proverbial West when he says ‘No country has succeeded in achieving a socially just and green industrialisation… the criticism should be more circumspect’.

with olympic torch relay taking place, protesters have taken their places in the different countries to champion their cause against china’s various misdealing. from the issues of darfur and tibet to its labour rights and environmental pollution, china is under a harsh media spotlight during a time of supposed glory for the country. the article does not condone the irregularities and subsequent problems that the lack of reforms that china has. instead, the writer asks the US and Europe to take a look at its own industrial past, quit over-reacting and cut China some slack.

however, the writer ends of a strange note, saying that if china’s party is ruined by all this negative publicity it might do a 180 and become repressive and totalitarian. he probably needed a ‘dang-dang-dang-DANG!’ ending to his otherwise alright piece. Look who is overreacting now! the ending is completely ridiculous sounding when they have so much riding on this free-market capitalist way of business. there would be pandemonium within the country, especially from those who have benefited so much from it. heck, the pearl river delta might want independance from the chinese administration!

then again, who doesn’t love the media and what they can spin for you? the governments, perhaps all know of the whole china situation and use the media narrative out there to get what they want from china when they want it. its like slowly stewing a problem, isn’t it? don’t exactly do anything about it but just nod your head to the going-ons and move in when the time is right for yourself. how selfish.

all i can think of right now, is that china is going to come up with a whole new bunch of kick-ass pr professionals who are used to dodging bullets. (insert metal analogy about going through fire to come out stronger) watch out ‘west’!

source : Lehmann, Jean-Pierre (2008, April 10), Let there be Games sans ’sanction’, The Business Times.

i am fascinated by words,

and how they come together to achieve meaning.

words,

once ingested and digested,

assimilate with our experiences and nourish our minds in contrasting ways.

words, breathe to life, the thoughts that might be lost in our heads.

i read and read and read

and i stumble upon a collection words,

a phrase, a sentence, a paragraph

that speaks to me and i am immediately sent on a trip.

a who? what? when? why? how?

of giddy, heady, steady excitement

but all fades away when i think about the unspoken word?

what about the yawning silence that waits to be filled with words?

what about pregnant pauses, lingering foreboding and joy that almost runneth over?

? ! ? !

what about that touch, that smell, that smile, that sound… what about?

and if that is so then,

what about wasted words?

abandoned and lost in the space between you and who?

spilled out like sighs longing for attention

or angry and spat out,

or refusing to be contained, with arms crossed,

like a petulant child

but without words

we are

ambiguous   paradoxical   bland   vague   strange   huh?

so i say,

waste on.

waste on.