The Little Sweatshop of Thoughts

over the weekend, i found out that ‘i am at a happier place’ since i have ‘committed myself to a thought process’, thus, making the oft hard decision between career and family, easier.

committing to a thought process. hmm. it sounds rather powerful when you say it that way. especially when in my head, its less positive counterpart seemed to ring true until some time back: resigning to the inevitable. i can say that i have been through all the phases of change: shock, anger, sadness, ambivalence, acceptance and finally, looking for possibilities. and with that in perspective, perhaps my friend is right to say that i have empowered myself by being open-minded and positive about things.

a part of me fears, though. fears that my adaptability and open-mindedness could oppress the individual that is me. am i letting myself down by being malleable and changing to the circumstances? i am by no means a softie but sometimes i doubt myself with my decisions.

(then again, i’m not in anyway, saying that i am unhappy at this moment. i’m very content that things are going along swimmingly. it’s that hazy phase where the realities of life are clouded in the what if’s and the wish you were here’s of our thoughts. a dream-like state which doesn’t really give space for pragmatism.)

but, i know i am not alone. my circumstances might be different but these are questions that every modern woman faces today. it might be especially difficult for those whose cultures are sometimes at odds with the more evolved roles that modern civilisation has for men and women.

the modern indian woman is a good example. standing at the cusp of revolutionary change, she is looking to define herself beyond daughter, wife and mother. i can see this in the eyes of all my indian girl friends. brought up on a rather unhealthy diet of forced conditioning to our traditions and Bollywood movies and soaps, we dream about our princes as we think of how we can escape from the clutches of these traditions. it’s a tough place to be in when we are in conflict with the very things that make up our identity.

so, what’s left?

well, nothing but the vacillating thoughts of a modern woman, who wants everything, doesn’t want to give up anything and still missing that one little something.

well, it’s time i got back onto earth.

back to the realities of work and the certainties of life. since the last time i wrote, i have travelled NZ and Hong Kong, experienced some heart break and felt some of those good feelings that are kept for us when we get into relationships. but i never wrote them down, perhaps because I am never comfortable coming forth with my exact feelings. another reason why i write down phrases and paragraphs that resonate with me from the books that i read.

but one thing i realise, hence forth, things are not going to be the same. the spectre of responsibility which i try to keep evading is finally closing in on me. i have no choice but to give up and move on with it. responsibility is instantly sobering and its not a wonder that most of our entertainment activities revolve around the intoxication of our senses, literally and figuratively. i’m excited about what’s to come in this next chapter even though a lot of the future is covered in the dark clouds of the unknown. and there is no light yet.

i missed writing in this little journal.