The Little Sweatshop of Thoughts

serendib is an old Arabic name for sri lanka. and as i sit here waiting for something to happen this hot clammy night, i can’t help but remember a particular moment i captured en route to bentota. it was a non-routine stop at a beachside area. calm and not so sunny. the waves were gently lapping the shore. but if your eyes followed them as they retreated back into the magnificent expanse of the sea, you can’t help but feel a tinge of apprehension over the azure unknown. and there my mother stood, taking in the quiet, hiking up her salwar kameez to feel the sea at her feet and the world in front of her. it was a beautiful moment. i actually took another one after that where my sister and her were trying to catch the ‘big waves’. i was too busy to soak my feet in as i was trying to ‘capture the feeling’.

i guess the second photo could use some cropping and colour enhancement but i loved what they signified. i thought they turned out pretty poetic.

as usual i am vegging out at home. not doing much but psycho-analysing my life via profound television series. so today i watched the grey’s anatomy episode that aired on thurs in the states. usually i hate meredith’s character, which is so whiny and self-absorbed. but for some reason she has become more likeable in the past few episodes as she deals with her post-derek phase.

and it made me think about something else that has been bugging me this past week. trust issues. not being able to give the trust that is needed in order for a relationship to progress. any relationship. especially when you want to be more than fair-weather friends. even when i think i care enough, i think i don’t because i care more about myself. a self-protecting mechanism to avoid hurt and unnecessary feelings.

giving out that trust opens you up. and what if they don’t like what they see?

ugh. this post sounds like a in-limbo-meredith post, like when she nearly drowned herself. double ugh.

i take pride in the fact that i have travelled so much and taken many a pretty picture of those places too. and i do want to show it all off. so i have created a page where i have added pictures, captions and little stories of the places i have been to. look to the side bar and click on the link under pages.

spent the afternoon watching the tv show, brothers and sisters, online. so i finished the first season, with a happy sort of feeling; with a sort of satisfaction that the show had the right mix of reality and that extra bit of something, which i am glad exists only in the reel world.

and it got me thinking about, family. the one word that brings up both extreme feelings of intense hate and love. i don’t have an enormous family like in the show but i think the five of us provide enough drama to keep our relationships zinging. the older we get, the more we start understanding everyone’s idiosyncrasies and imperfections, and perhaps get a bit closer to knowing them for who they really are.

and when i put the tv show in context with what happens in my life with my extended family - the tv-like drama seems so much more probable. my mother’s weekly phone conversations with them back in india allows us to be connected in the most disconnected way. those 100 minute calling cards keep the madness, the sadness and the irrational bouts of love and hate between us alive. we enjoy having armchair opinions on their lifestyles, their indiscretions and their ‘close-mindedness’ through our ‘enriched world views’. yet, sometimes we yearn for the little bits of indian family insanity that calls to us when we get tired of our singaporean mundanity. but, we double back later and breathe easy that we are happy here in non-judgemental singapore, doing our own things with the people we choose to, just because we can.

it’s quite complicated and at times, even a bit schizoprenic. but we straddle both worlds, somehow. and i think that’s what makes these bonds with them so special and sacred, ‘cos no one will understand me quite as much as the way they will.

so there you have it. my family and my anchor to reality.

this sounds stupid but google makes me feel smart.

i just had a conversation with someone and he asked me something and i didn’t wanna sound ignorant.

so i googled it.

i have done this with every blog i have and i love doing it specifically because i find it essential to have music to colour your world. it sharpens certain emotions and gives depth to others. so here is my musical soundtrack (thanks to terri for making me do this again)

Rocksy start to the show. Not bad.

Waking up because you loved me is also quite a nice sentiment.

overwhelmed by people and looking for a place in school.

ok la. its fast paced and happy-sounding.

The strategy paper on 16th April 2006 ended of 16 years of non-stop formal education. Amazing.

Congratulations, Roshni Prabhu. You have come a long way.

Now I am moving onto the next chapter, I must say, in haste. Haste by my standards. Taking a leap of faith.

this has got to be one of the best cartoon shows ever. produced by nickelodean, this show was one of the first few cartoons catering to both adults and children (unlike the simpsons which had a lot more adult material). its always heartening to watch the cartoon’s take on popular culture and potshots at the idiosyncrasies of modern life. like today’s revolved heavily around employer-employee relations in the dog-eat-dog world of the fast food business and the whole craze of seeking therapy. it was hilarious!

made my night. happy happy!

went out for lunch with b. tan who has turned out to be a great diva extraordinare. we are in the same class and have found kindred spirits in each other. people who talk loud, are sarcastic and caustic and like to talk in accents to prove the existence of third parties in stories we relate to each other. our other group members tend to disappear after a while since they can’t stand us BOTH at once.

anyway, we went to eat jap food at kuriya in raffles city. very expensive stuff but very nice. and the restaurant itself has many different settings to cater to different clients. like the open setting at the entrance is possibly for the ‘riff raff’ that comes in. and if you want a bit more privacy, they have nicer seating within and then for ultimate exclusivity, they have rooms within where you get your own personal maitre’d (i think). but the menu is extensive and they have vegetarian options too. very delightful. so anyway, i was telling ben about my nightmares of not being able to afford ‘all this high class stuff’ in future because i make a paltry sum of money. also, alluded to the numerous programmes and initiatives (shopping centres, IRs, real estate) that were becoming popular in singapore, in line with wooing the rich.

and ben comes back to me with a ‘darling, focusing on poverty is so passe. no one wants to know how poor you are. its each individual person’s pet peeve, no matter how much they have in the bank. now telling you how others spend their money and how you can have one up against the jones’, that makes good television, conversation and gossip’

(disclaimer: ben was not as eloquent. he actually said: poverty is boring. be atas. i like’)

and then he launched into his theory of how natural disasters hit these places of poverty and help us ‘naturally’ rid the world of these people. social darwinism, he said, and pointed to the tsunami, hurricane katrina and various other earthquakes to prove his point. survivors are the people who are more well off and able to avoid living in those areas, thus leaving the world ‘richer’.

my reaction to this was - eyes widening, jaw dropping and going ‘oh my god, ben!’ at the end of his spiel. like seriously! love your riches but don’t tell me that poor people need to be gotten rid off!! what is that for? to rid yourself of the guilt of not thinking about these unfortunate people while you spend your riches? and what about those who are born into this cycle of poverty without choice? are you going to say that it is better to be rid of them since they were not going to know any better anyway? and in a twisted way, if we did get rid of all these poor people, the next stage of poverty might just be the car owning middle class. now, logically, that target would be ripe for our poverty seeking, non-discriminating natural disaster, wouldn’t it? simply appalling theory.

needed to get that off my chest. the lunch ended well with us making fun of a horrible professor in school. now that is an area which i don’t mind bitching about.

the past week has been strange. i don’t think i have been this quiet in my life. i guess i could have done a lot - exercised (which i did a bit), clean my room (too lazy), study (did that on and off) - but i think i am stuck between wanting to talk to someone and being silly not doing anything about it. it’s not that i don’t want to talk to any one. i’m just not pushed towards it. and suddenly i have this flash.

maybe it’s just because i don’t do things voluntarily, out of some inner desire. i do things as a by-product of something happening to me. some external force affects me, and i, provoked, elicit a response to either counter it or enhance it.

now this is frightening, to be dealt with an idea of these proportions. where am i then? this whole personality junk that i have been deluding myself with… is it just not there? so the emptiness that i feel; it’s not so much lonliness but rather an absence of self? could it be, that i am so boring or rather mundane, that i don’t interest myself? that my personality (or lack of) is heightened only around others? what does that make of me if i can’t be interested in myself?

maybe i should just sleep this off. grr.